I'm in Spain, getting ready for action!

In the beginning of 2020 I’d shimmied my way into a very possible guest spot for some international racing. I’d put in my best winter of training yet,  did pretty well by myself at the Valley of the Sun stage race in February, and was excited for the year ahead. You know what happened next. It happened to all of us. 

I tried to keep riding for a few months, then I shut down completely and went into survival mode. My mental health was in the gutter, I was showering less often then some of your favorite celebrities, I gave up on pants (the only real joy of the pandemic if you ask me), and I worked really hard to learn how to make sourdough. I forced myself to keep working, because pandemic or not, the bills needed to be paid. I tried to throw myself into projects that I thought would make me feel good. I was insanely depressed. 

I’m super grateful to my sponsors for responding well to my ideas and helping me pivot my original 2020 partnership plans into more pandemic-friendly activations like SRAM Bicycle Basics, The Quick Brown Foxes podcast, and Liv Cycling/ Backcountry helping to get The Black Foxes off the ground.

I also took on more influencer gigs, I stuck to products I was excited about and that I’d actually use, and that I wouldn’t have to hide In the shadows if my followers spent their hard-earned dollars to try and use them too. Side note: whether it be full-on programming, or elevating a product/ service, content creation is hard work, and your likes, comments, and clicks help keep the lights on so thank you for your support in that way as well.  

Also, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to my patrons, who have probably forgotten they’re still patrons? You’ve helped more than you know (because I’m bad at the part where I tell you how you’ve helped). It allows me to do stuff like Do Better Together, Thee Abundance Summit, and the mini-grant program, and not have to pay myself from those already tight budgets. I use my Patreon money to support the time I commit to those projects, so I don’t have to feel guilty about pouring myself into them without being compensated. This might sound like a privileged point of view, but I strongly believe people should be paid for their work, and so I appreciate you all helping me get paid for mine. It’s actually A LOT of work, usually more than I initially anticipate it being. I also the Patreon funds for blog posts that I’d prefer not to publish with a bigger outlet for fear of censorship. That way I can say the things I need to say to start the conversations I want to start. 

Anywho, back to the point of this whole thing. 

This time last year, the idea that an opportunity like this would even be remotely possible was quite frankly not even a thought in my mind. 

I’d stopped training for months and was waiting for it to feel right again.  I was was always honest with myself about it, and tried to ride for joy, explore my local neighborhood, and have no goals. By the end of August, I was ready to pull myself out of the hole. I found a new therapist (my old one left the service I was using), I told my coach I was ready, and I eased back into a real schedule. 

Even then, I kept the goals loose. I imagined I’d dust myself off in 2021, renew my privateer contract with Liv Racing, hit up the domestic scene, find some guest spots for bigger races… ya know… the usual. I was focusing on creating opportunities for other people with Do Better Together, a virtual summit, a mini-grant program, and a few other ideas.  

I thought I’d put in the good work to do really well domestically (if US bike racing even happened in 2021) and possibly aim for bigger and better in 2022. The way my depression was set up, I didn’t want to pile it on too thick for the risk of finding myself sad and funky again. 

Then I got a call. A few calls actually. My reaction? I laughed. Of course, the opportunities I always wanted would come when I least thought they would.

I was a few months into training, feeling pretty good about my progress, and super capable (Thanks Jim!). It was too good of an opportunity to pass up, so I took it. I am taking it. 

So I am now a trainee on a World Tour Team. Life is bizarre. I know a lot of folks are confused about what this means exactly. And to be fair, I’m still figuring it out. What I know so far is that, as of August 1st I am now allowed to race with the team, but as a trainee, I cannot participate in World Tour Races. So basically, this is a learning, showing, proving myself opportunity all rolled into one.

Since early July I’ve been in Girona, training like a madwoman, climbing things, preparing for my European racing debut. How’s that going?

It is hard. Hard being in a new place. Hard pushing my body past its previous limits. Hard remembering bad days aren’t the end of the world and good days are also fleeting. Hard staying focused on just one thing and not doing a trillion passion projects at once. Despite all that, I’m doing it. It is also pretty surreal. I’m here. I’m excited. I feel supported by my friends and family, and even quite a few strangers. I appreciate the little messages on my Strava rides and the tweets and tags on social media. I respond when I can, sorry I can’t get back to everyone. Although I really should call Grandma…

This is the first time I’ve written anything since I’ve been here, and it was super long-winded, and probably unnecessary, but I just wanted to check in and tell everyone I’m alive, I’m okay, and I’m getting ready!

I spend a lot of time out there alone with my thoughts so I’ve got a lot more to say and maybe I’ll write about it soon, but for now, this’ll do! 

Thanks for reading!  

Ayesha